This Is Not A Relationship
by petrelli heiress
Summary: ...it's all part of the Plan. Peter has a Plan - basically it involves making Sylar bonkers for him, and then having him do whatever Peter wants. Trouble is, Sylar has a similar Plan. And anyway, neither Plan seems to be working all that well. Crack.


**This Is Not A Relationship (It's All Part Of The Plan)**

**Characters/Pairings: Peter/Sylar, mentions of Mohinder and implied Claire/Elle, Matt/Janice, Peter/Nathan, Peter/Simone, Peter/Caitlin and Peter/Elle**

**Author's Note: This be crack, people. Just saying. **

**Warning: Slash, crack, attempts at humour, sex bringing down buildings (you know, the usual).**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Heroes. This is certainly for entertainment purposes only. Profit will definitely NOT be made. **

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One day, staring up at the bright blue sky, Peter turned to Sylar and said, "You know, we should start a demolition company."

Sylar continued to stare at the sky for a few minutes, trying to figure out what Peter was on about, eventually deciding to just jump to the chase. "What are you on about?" he asked, turning on his side and propping himself up on his elbow. "I know I'm fabulous and sometimes you can't speak full sentences after we've had sex, but usually I understand at least part of what you're saying."

Peter rolled his eyes, and then gestured at the carnage around them. The building's top floors and roof had been blown off, the remaining walls and foundation were blackened, burnt and basically pieces of wood which had once made up a rather stylish hotel. It looked as though a hurricane, an earthquake and a fire had decided to team up and utterly massacre an unassuming, kindly hotel whose guests numbered among them a couple of presidents and, once, a team of supernatural private investigators.

"Are you suggesting we earn money by going into soon-to-be-destroyed buildings and having hot hate sex in them?" Sylar gave him the most incredulous look he could muster up, which wasn't much because his ability to muster up incredulity had died long ago.

Peter shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. It's not as if this is a real relationship..."

Sylar had to admit he had a point. "That's true."

"...so why not use it to make a little money?"

"And what, pray tell, are we going to use this money on?" Sylar, of course, had money to spare – despite finding it distasteful in other people, he wasn't above pilfering from his victims. He didn't really need any, although it is always nice to have more. "Porn? I think our money would be better spent making our own."

"Well, if you want to," Peter said, earnest. "I know this guy who's really good with a camera. Claire introduced me to him." He gazed at Sylar, innocent as could be. "He's very pretty."

"I'm sure he is," Sylar said, blandly. He was used to Peter's half hearted attempts at making him jealous and, so far at least, hadn't fallen for any of them. "But no. And no to the demolition company idea as well. Despite the fact that I do not care about you at all, I would really rather not turn this relationship into a business venture. It's too public as it is."

"Ha, this is the most secretive and private relationship I've ever had." Peter paused, thinking about this. His relationship with Nathan had of course been very private, but a surprising amount of people knew about it, including people he met on the street. His relationships with Simone, Caitlin and Elle had all been known only to himself and the respective ladies, but that was only because each lady was either dead, stuck in an alternate timeline or didn't give a shit about anything except a certain cheerleader. So, yes, definitely the most secretive. Mostly because they both found themselves embarrassed by the fact that they kept coming back for more apparently-no-strings-attached sex.

"I think we should just stop using the word relationship, period," Sylar said, suddenly bored because Peter had that look on his face which meant he was thinking deeply about every one of his past relationships and how they were (obviously) massive successes compared to this.

"Why?" Peter pushed him down and straddled him. "Yeah, it's based on a hell of a lot of lies, and sometimes it doesn't feel all that real..." He paused, absently stroking a strand of Sylar's hair out of his face. "...and, okay, I see your point. Still, we could make it matter. I'm sure a lot of people want buildings demolished."

Sylar snorted. "You just want to go around destroying all the buildings you think are ugly, don't you?"

"What? No!" Peter looked (far too dramatically) aghast. "And, anyway, we'd make sure everyone is out of the building before we start."

"Oh?" Sylar pretended to look disappointed. He rarely killed people these days. Claire thought this was because of Peter (which it could have been, although he didn't say anything either way), and Peter thought this was because Sylar was finally redeeming himself (which it most definitely wasn't, but Peter was optimistic like that). Sylar had yet to comment on the issue, although it is said that he did kill the last person who asked him (but that's just a rumour, and no body was found).

"Of course! You may get cheap thrills from killing people by bringing buildings down around their ears, but I personally like to have a clear conscience." Peter, for absolutely no reason, leaned down and kissed him. He smiled against the other man's mouth as Sylar wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, deepening the kiss.

"If you're so set on having a clear conscience," Sylar murmured, fingers caressing up and down Peter's spine, "why do you insist on coming back to me?"

Peter smiled. "If you're so set on collecting as many abilities as you possibly can, why aren't you out there doing exactly that, instead of being here with me?"

"Remind me." Sylar pulled him close and kissed him deeply, and then pulled away. "And it's still no to that whole demolition company idea. I don't like it, we're not doing it, and I forbid you to try and persuade me otherwise." He glared at him, pulling the full force of his rusty bogeyman skills out of the deep recess he'd shoved them years ago, in order to make the glare truly frightening.

"Okay, whatever you say." Peter smiled, perfectly innocent and as honest as the day was long (too bad it was summer, when the days were short). He leaned down and resumed the kiss, effectively stopping any argument Sylar might have with his apparent innocence or honesty. Peter would just have to continue with his Plan, of which he was a big fan.

The Plan was this: he'd make Sylar totally bonkers for him, and then he'd get him to do whatever he wanted. In the beginning it had involved lying, subterfuge and a hell of a lot of sex. Now it just involved sex. He knew this was probably a bad thing, but couldn't really bring himself to care. He hadn't had this much fun in ten years.

Sylar also had a Plan, and it was very similar to Peter's own. The only difference being that Sylar would use the opportunities the Plan presented as distractions for Peter, while he himself went off and had many bloody rampages. None of the planned rampages had happened yet, but he was sure they weren't that far off.

Four years later they went into business as partners in a venture tentatively titled Bloody Demolitions. It was surprisingly lucrative.

Any planned rampages have yet to happen, but it is said that FBI agents go missing whenever they try to question him. Then again, they do reappear again, with no memory of the past few days. Special Agent Audrey Hanson decided not to pursue it anymore and so it was closed (and later, stolen and burnt in a garbage bin).

Both Peter and Sylar continue to insist, to anyone who will listen (and there aren't many who will), that their so-called relationship is all about the sex, and it probably is. Mohinder never answers when he sees either of their numbers on his Caller ID. Matt does the same, and has told Janice not to either, but she rarely listens to him since her latest soap was cancelled. She says she finds their arguments entertaining.

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**Hmmm.**

**Review please. **


End file.
